Wow, did I get hit by a nasty stomach bug. Charlie got it too. But luckily, she was only sick for about a day. We did have to cancel weekend plans I had been looking forward to. But, such is life.
This recent stomach bug required several trips to my doctor for things like anti nausea medicine, IV fluids, a different anti nausea medicine, and so forth. After I had beaten the bug and was at my follow up visit, I asked my doctor a bunch of questions about preeclampsia.
My 36 birthday is this week. In my husband and my storybook version of life, we are supposed to have two kids by now. I know I decided a while ago that we were stopping at one. But, in the back of my mind, I’ve kind of clung to a little hope that there would be some way that I could safely have a full term pregnancy. I hadn’t fully let the hope go.
My doctor was kind of my last hope. He’s knowledgeable and I trust his judgement fully. He’s also a little more open to my unconventional ideas than most. He helps me problem solve. If anyone was going to give a thumbs up to pregnancy, it would be him.
I asked him for his thoughts on the matter. He told me what I already knew: Another pregnancy is not a good idea for me.
He continued on to say something like “Adoption is a beautiful option…” My response was to check out. I started babbling incessantly and nonsensically just to cover up the heart break that had just happened. I was barely able to concentrate to discuss the refills I needed. After the appointment, I headed straight to my car still reeling from the blow.
Now, I know absolutely, for sure… that’s it for me. We are done having kids. End of story. Hope extinguished.
I’m not dealing with it well.
I want to cry. I want to scream that it’s not fair. I’m angry at the world for drawing the short straw.
Then, there is the guilt. I know how fortunate I am. I know how much I have. So, I feel guilty for feeling sad, angry, and pretty much anything other than joy.
Plus, I find myself bitter with envy and jealousy of the strangest things. A KeepEmCookin tweet popped up in my feed and my thought was “At least, they made it to bed rest!” How terrible is that? I am ashamed of myself.
Finally, there is the confusion. Why does it hurt so much? Honestly, having my own biological child is not that important to me. I could adopt and be as equally fulfilled. But, being done stings to the core for some reason.
Emotionally, I’m very much like a spoiled brat right now.
Life is not fair and we don’t always get what we want. By now, I’m well aware of that. Currently, I’m trying to figure out what’s next for my family. How do I make this OK for me?
Cheering on Charlie 
April 1st, 2015 at 6:15 PM
It’s not fair, and you have every right to be upset!
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April 1st, 2015 at 9:39 PM
I’m surprised your doctor was so clear on the answer! I had HELLP syndrome and they told me there was a decent chance with some heparin I could make it to term-ish. Forgive me if I don’t know a part of your story that changes everything… I guess I’m hopeful because I’m also worried, you know? Also, I don’t think its being a spoiled brat to be upset, I think mourning the loss of your hopes and dreams and plans is completely normal and justified. ❤
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April 1st, 2015 at 9:46 PM
I think it’s different for everyone. I also have a couple other concerns including moderate to severe asthma.
I appreciate the advice he gave me. I hope it doesn’t deter you. Like every baby is different, every mommy is different. Good luck to you if you decide to try again.
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April 1st, 2015 at 11:15 PM
Everytime i read a similar story I feel sad… And angry… And grateful… And guilty. Our stories aren’t the same. Our path are different but we both walked past the nicu doors too many times. We are raising beautiful daughters both dealing with different issues. We both are grateful that they are here. It could have been so different.
But ever since I’ve had the ok from my dr to try again for another child, I feel guilty. Guilty because I was affraid I was making the wrong decision. Guilty for putting my couple through fertility treatments again. And guilty for having an opportunity that many of my fellow preemie moms don’t have. I am not dealing well with all this… I don’t understand why this is so unfair… I’m pregnant. I don’t talk about it much. I’m affraid of what could happened but I’m also uncomfortable because I wish we could all have had that chance…
I’m sorry you didn’t get that glimpse of hope your were deeply hoping for. I’m sorry… You are not a spoiled brat. You have all the rights to be upset/angry/resentful. You are still an amazing mom. Life is unfair. Lets say it, life can be a ****!
😦
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April 1st, 2015 at 11:55 PM
I know, it doesn’t help if I say, “There’s no need to feel guilty.” Because guilt isn’t magically abated in such ways. I’m glad you got another chance. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for a healthy pregnancy. ❤
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April 2nd, 2015 at 5:28 AM
Time. And waves. The feelings will rise and fall like waves on the beach, like rising and falling tide. Guilt because you dared to dream and now the dream is dashed? That’s okay. Give yourself time to process. You may have to give up the dream of a pregnancy and that is a truly difficult thing but that does not mean you were wrong to dream in the first place.
You will find a way through. Just ride the waves and give yourself time.
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