Tag Archives: infertility

Spoiled Brat

Wow, did I get hit by a nasty stomach bug. Charlie got it too. But luckily, she was only sick for about a day. We did have to cancel weekend plans I had been looking forward to. But, such is life.

This recent stomach bug required several trips to my doctor for things like anti nausea medicine, IV fluids, a different anti nausea medicine, and so forth. After I had beaten the bug and was at my follow up visit, I asked my doctor a bunch of questions about preeclampsia.

My 36 birthday is this week. In my husband and my storybook version of life, we are supposed to have two kids by now. I know I decided a while ago that we were stopping at one. But, in the back of my mind, I’ve kind of clung to a little hope that there would be some way that I could safely have a full term pregnancy. I hadn’t fully let the hope go.

My doctor was kind of my last hope. He’s knowledgeable and I trust his judgement fully. He’s also a little more open to my unconventional ideas than most. He helps me problem solve. If anyone was going to give a thumbs up to pregnancy, it would be him.

I asked him for his thoughts on the matter. He told me what I already knew: Another pregnancy is not a good idea for me.

He continued on to say something like “Adoption is a beautiful option…” My response was to check out. I started babbling incessantly and nonsensically just to cover up the heart break that had just happened. I was barely able to concentrate to discuss the refills I needed. After the appointment, I headed straight to my car still reeling from the blow.

Now, I know absolutely, for sure… that’s it for me. We are done having kids. End of story. Hope extinguished.

I’m not dealing with it well.

I want to cry. I want to scream that it’s not fair. I’m angry at the world for drawing the short straw.

Then, there is the guilt. I know how fortunate I am. I know how much I have. So, I feel guilty for feeling sad, angry, and pretty much anything other than joy.

Plus, I find myself bitter with envy and jealousy of the strangest things. A KeepEmCookin tweet popped up in my feed and my thought was “At least, they made it to bed rest!” How terrible is that? I am ashamed of myself.

Finally, there is the confusion. Why does it hurt so much? Honestly, having my own biological child is not that important to me. I could adopt and be as equally fulfilled. But, being done stings to the core for some reason.

Emotionally, I’m very much like a spoiled brat right now.

Life is not fair and we don’t always get what we want. By now, I’m well aware of that. Currently, I’m trying to figure out what’s next for my family. How do I make this OK for me?


Mother’s Day Revisited

This is my second Mother’s Day as a mom. I love being a mother. Nevertheless, my feelings towards the holiday haven’t changed since last year. I continue to find Mother’s Day to be a needlessly cruel obligatory day.

Instead of the intended gush of heartwarming feelings, I think of loss. I think of the women who lost children. I think of children who have lost their parents. I think of families where the parental relationships are complicated or broken such as with foster kids. I think of the women who desperately want to be a mother but can’t.

How horrible it is to have a holiday focused around something many have lost or can’t have. I question the reason for its existence.

I believe actions speak louder than words. The sum of actions throughout the year mean more to me than one lousy day of practically compulsory recognition.

I love being a mother. But, I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day.

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The Unpopular Post

I’m going to warn you. This is not going to be a popular post.

Mother’s Day disturbs me.

I was pregnant this time last year. My doctor had just become concerned with my ever climbing blood pressure. I was seeing spots every now and then. I was short of breath. They were the first signs that something was not right.

Well meaning people felt the need to wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day”. It turned my stomach each time. I kept thinking, “Haven’t any of you people heard the cliche about counting your chickens?” Instead, I politely smiled as I prayed inside.

Today, on Mother’s Day, I am not celebrating being a mom. I do that every day. Instead, my thoughts are drifting off to the women who have lost babies, the couples that struggle with infertility, the children who lose moms, and those other relationships that are too complicated to put into words (foster kids, etc).

It all bothers me because I know how close I was to being included among those people.

Maybe it is some of the residual guilt I feel from my baby surviving the NICU. I do not know why… I feel that Mother’s Day is a needlessly cruel obligatory day.

I understand that there are people out there that deserve to be recognized. If you feel the need to honor a special person, celebrate them every day through the little things. One day of recognition is pointless and even kind of tacky.


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