On Wednesday, Charlie will make the two hour journey for her follow up appointments (she gets reassessed in several areas) with developmental pediatrics. I admit, I am a little nervous. The past couple of visits to the clinic did not go so well for us.
I realize we are lucky and Charlie is doing really well considering her extremely premature arrival. But, I can’t shake the feeling that we should be done with all this. I’m kind of like a little kid pouting and saying to myself, “We weren’t supposed to have this challenging of a journey.”
For some reason, it was easier for me to accept the long NICU stay than it is the long period it will take Charlie to “catch up”, if ever.
Sometimes, I think I should stop hoping for the end of specialty clinic visits, regular insurance phone calls, and numerous therapy appointments. Because I hope, each follow up with the developmental pediatrician feels how I imagine a prisoner must feel before a parole board. I see the progress Charlie has made and dare to think, “It won’t be long now until we are finished with this.”
However, my hopes are shot down when a new area of concern is discussed or limited progress is pointed out. Often, I knew of the issue beforehand. However, I had anticipated it wasn’t a big deal. Or, I assumed it could easily be addressed.
Additionally, I feel guilty and greedy for wanting more. We are fortunate Charlie is doing well. That should be enough. I feel selfish for desperately wanting her to “catch up”.
I am not sure what is going to happen on Wednesday. Maybe that is why I’m already anxious and thinking about it. I have my fingers crossed it’s going to be a good appointment.
Charlie visited Skyline Drive this weekend.