One of the many things I lost when I became a micro mom is my feeling of safety. As I have previously written, there was less than a .5% chance of my pregnancy ending like it did. Now, I find myself afraid even with the odds overwhelmingly in my favor.
The date for my cholecystectomy (gall bladder removal) was set today. The procedure is one of the more common surgical procedures and is an outpatient procedure in most cases. There is a small risk of complications.
I find none of this comforting.
Instead, I think of the odds games that we have lost despite things being in our favor. I am reminded of the battles we’ve won against the odds. I no longer have the thoughts of “It won’t happen to me” or “That kind of stuff happens to other people”. I very well know that it can happen to me and it frightens me.
Logically, I know things will turn out well. I want to feel better. But, the emotional side of me is terrified.
I wonder when my fear of the small percentages will dissipate. How do I get my safety back?
This afternoon, Charlie and I spent some time playing in the Shenandoah River State Park.