A Date With Fear

One of the many things I lost when I became a micro mom is my feeling of safety. As I have previously written, there was less than a .5% chance of my pregnancy ending like it did. Now, I find myself afraid even with the odds overwhelmingly in my favor.

The date for my cholecystectomy (gall bladder removal) was set today. The procedure is one of the more common surgical procedures and is an outpatient procedure in most cases. There is a small risk of complications.

I find none of this comforting.

Instead, I think of the odds games that we have lost despite things being in our favor. I am reminded of the battles we’ve won against the odds. I no longer have the thoughts of “It won’t happen to me” or “That kind of stuff happens to other people”. I very well know that it can happen to me and it frightens me.

Logically, I know things will turn out well. I want to feel better. But, the emotional side of me is terrified.

I wonder when my fear of the small percentages will dissipate. How do I get my safety back?

SRSP2

This afternoon, Charlie and I spent some time playing in the Shenandoah River State Park.

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About Rebecca Wood

In May 2012, my pregnancy ended three and a half months early due to severe early onset preeclampsia. This is my collection of thoughts and media. It is an attempt to document and discuss our experience of navigating the post NICU world. View all posts by Rebecca Wood

3 responses to “A Date With Fear

  • Karine

    I’m in the same situation. This week things happened that just proved it once more for me and my family. Though I am constantly fighting it so that it doesn’t control me. When drs talk to me about risks of a procedure or else and tell me not worry about it because it is rare, I often find myself telling them “If you only knew…” With half a smile…

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  • Astrid

    I’m here via Love That Max and I can relate to having no sense of safety, though for different reasons. The thing is, the odds of you ending up with complications arent’going ot be any bigger or smaller when you’re fearful or when you’re not. Therefore, it’s going ot help you to live in the present and not let yourself be sconsumed by fear. I hope hte procedure went well.

    Like

  • Diana

    I get this. My first baby was born with a chromosome anomaly and when I got pregnant a second time, we thought “what are the odds that it could happen again??” After all, my husband and I were not carriers for our son’s chromosome deletion. Sure enough, within that tiny chance, our second son was born with a completely different, potentially more serious, chromosome anomaly. I feel that fear too, like we’ve been screwed by the odds before, it could easily happen to us again!

    Like

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